


breathe out

by cherubi



Series: Broken Film Reels [2]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 03:43:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16210697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherubi/pseuds/cherubi
Summary: "Tomorrow, we can talk tomorrow.""Val please let me-""I'll come to bed if you stop trying to bring this up."





	breathe out

**Author's Note:**

> Counterpart to Breathe In. Both can be read stand-alone though.

MacCready, like all humans, needed to breathe. One breath in, one out, in, out, forever in motion in an endless cycle. MacCready wasn't asleep, couldn't be without Valentine's reassuring heat pressed against his back. The detective's inner workings of gears and wires made a barely audible buzz he'd grown attached to. If he thought too much about it, he'd wonder if Val had the same affection for him or if he was just being his usual kind self. 

The thought made him wonder if that's why he hadn't come to bed, even though it'd become a habit for them. Nothing more than actually sleeping on MacCready's end happened, but the warm body to share sheets with was a nice change of pace. The wasteland was unforgiving, but he figured he could forgive himself the nights curled into Val's side. It scared him how quickly it became routine. Nothing felt so right since... Since the night he tried to move on from for so long now.

He really should buy Cirrus a drink for introducing them in the first place.

He would, except... It's not like they were really even together. They hadn't talked about any of it, the affectionate touches, the bedsharing, the air that so clearly hummed with energy when they were in the same room. MacCready didn't want to push his feelings on the detective, waited and waited for Val to broach the subject. It didn't happen. He was fine with what they had, really, but it'd be good to clear the air.

He groaned under his breath, stretching his body in a way that made everything click in a satisfying way. Through half-lidded eyes he saw Val's silhouette against the backdrop of the moon low in the night sky, and he couldn't keep his breath from catching just a little at the sight. Ashes from the cigarette in his hand fluttered down toward the earth in lazy whorls, making the moment even more picturesque. He really was beautiful, just existing as he was.

"Why're you up?"

"I don't sleep." 

"That's not what I mean't."

MaCready watched with a hardening expression as he ashed his cigarette with a decidedly nervous sort of twitch; he moved in a manner completely foreign to him person, carefully deliberate and closed off.

"Keeping watch."

"You can keep watch from in bed. It's freezing, get your a-, your butt in here, Val." 

Every breath MacCready inhaled was getting harder to take, seeing him act so cold. There was only one thing this could be about, and as much as he wasn't ready, he knew it was now or not at all. The boiling point was reached; there wasn't any turning back from here. His chest felt tight and his voice came out shakier than he intended.

"Val? Is something wrong?"

"You should try to sleep more."

"Have you got a screw loose? You're acting funny. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, I'm... just thinking, that's all." 

"You've been thinking. About what? There's clearly a problem here, you know I'm going to find out eventually."

"It's not something you need to worry about right now."

"But it is something I need to worry about."

"No, it's... Okay, yes. It is. But not now. Go back to sleep. We can talk about this tomorrow."

"Fine, then you come to bed too."

MaCready swore his heart stopped beating when Val didn't verbally respond, just shook his head in that firm way of his. He knew what was coming, knew it was going to sting more than he was prepared for, but he held his breath and waited for the bomb to drop all over again. 

"We can't be together, MacCready."

"What."

"We can't. You'll get hurt, either because I can't be what you need or because somebody else finds out and thinks you're disgusting for it. I... I can't let that happen."

"What, so I don't even get a say? I can't decide for myself if I want to take that risk or not? Do I come across as some helpless little kid to you or something?"

"Sometimes, yeah. You're reckless, you don't know when to quit. You've risked your life for things that no right-minded person would. I-"

"Don't you dare martyr yourself, Nick. This is about more than you and your fantasies of saving every lost soul that comes across your path. You never even fu-frickening asked me what I thought about it! If I even wanted to be with you in the first place!"

Sometimes, sometimes MaCready wished he didn't need to breathe. Maybe then he'd learn to hold his tongue and not use his words as weapons. He tried backpedaling as fast as he could but he knew the damage had been done.

He didn't scream at Val, or even raise his voice, but he did speak. 

"I didn't mean it like th-"

"Go back to sleep, MacCready."

"Nick don't-"

"Tomorrow, we can talk tomorrow."

"Val please let me-"

"I'll come to bed if you stop trying to bring this up."

Valentine stared down at him with a piercing gaze that sent true shivers up his spine. He was stubborn, a brat some would say, but he knew when to push and when to let things go despite what people seemed to think. He closed his mouth with a sigh drawn though his nose, trying and failing not to let his heart warm at the sensation of Val's heat through their collective layers.

He needed to breathe, but tonight he wanted more than anything to end the cycle that made him human, if it let him have Val instead. What he got instead was the steady mechanical buzzing he'd grown so familiar with, and that was almost enough.

**Author's Note:**

> This is not my best work. I wasn't feeling that great while writing it, so I rushed to get it done. I hope you enjoyed it regardless though!
> 
> If you want, you can check out my [Tumblr](http://cherubi.tumblr.com)!


End file.
